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101 ways to kill Zippy

1 Toaster in the bath – shit, no toaster!

2 Slips on a dry roasted peanut

3 Alcoholic fit on the toilet

4. Jumps in front of a train because she’s got the wrong platform – again.

5 Alcohol – generally

6 Bleeds to death when bikini line meets new razor. Ow my foo-foo!

7 Sleepwalks into graveyard and falls into open grave

8 Bit by a vampire (too obvious)

9 Chokes to death on her daily medication – 20+ pills downed with a bottle of brandy

10 Eaten alive by feral cat

11 Already dead, just hadn’t realised

12 The Hunger Games (also too obvious)

13 Slip in the shower (see also 6 and 1)

14 Smothered by possessed killer teddy called Kane!

15 Fall down Zion Hill stairs (done, still here)

16 Fall down Kate stairs (done, still here)

17 Trip over bra

18 Smothered by bra

19 Heart attack

20 Panic attack

21 Liver cancer

22 Caring too much what people think

23 Fighting a girl sleeping with Dan

24 DItto Ian

25 Ditto Dean

26 Kane – chair

27 Kane – ashtray

28 Kane – punch

29 Kane -sex

30 Kane – laptop

31 Kane – nail varnish

32 Kane – razor

33 Dan – razor

34 Aaron hiding in the closet

35 Sex with a horse

36 Trampled by a horse

37 Trying to get Bungle out of the closet

38 Running down the stairs after Bungle

39 Beaten to death by paramedics

40 Killed in prison

41 Hang myself in police cell

42  Fatal naked yoga accident

43 BBQd pigeon in the graveyard

44 Killed by the tax man

45 Killed by promoters

46 Falling in nightclubs generally

47 Threesome sandwich

48 Anything from Zippy’s kitchen

49 Trapped in a net with a box of wine

50 Piss on the bathroom floor

51 Choke on vomit

52 Not eat or sleep for a week

53 Tube in London

54 Goes bankrupt and starves to death

55 Breaks ankle from George footrub

56 Attacked outside Turning Point (weekly risk factor HIGH)

57 Bored to death in AA

58 Stabbed to death by Gordon Ramsay for stalking

59 Injected with a poison by Kyesha

60 Attacked by zombies in the graveyard

61 Hit and run by PC Hargreaves

62 Drinks paint cos run out of alcohol

63 Shop run generally

64 Boat party massacre

65 Mental health ward massacre

66 Spell goes wrong

67 Burns down flat with gay scented candle

68 Bum sex with Bungle

69 69 with Bungle

70 Strangled to death with a thong cos I put it on wrong

71 Falls off high heels

72 Hypothermia cos no money for a taxi

73 Too many balls at bingo

74 Wanking to death

75 Falls out of bed – generally

76 Falls into roadworks

77 Nearly run over by combine harvester

78 Beaten to death by the recycling men for overwork

79 Gangsters generally

80 Drugs generally – just say no

81 Taken away in a spaceship

82 Killed by neighbours generally

83 Homeless

84 Killed by sister

85 Murdered by Alexa at night

86 Hallucinations

87 Hit round the face with a large cock

88 Death by exposure in the jungle with Bungle – also, snakes (trousersnakes included)

89 Awesome foursome

90 Cocaine laced with rat poison

91 Wires wires wires

92 Shot by Daddy

93 Shot by Uncle Andrew

94 Killed by Alabare staff

95 Poisoned by Novichok

96 Slips on a magazine

97 Pain can to the head

98 No WiFi

99 Drunk on a plane, jumps out

100 Flying knife to the head – moved with mind

101 Hold birthday orgie, which turns into a massacre when a jealous ex shows up with a gun. SO much for the restraining order!

Life ENDS at 40.

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Suzi

Suzi

Editor in chief Suzi Dixon studied at Bournemouth university, went away for a while to work at The Daily Telegraph, then moved back to the sunny South coast for a quiet (er) life. Bournemouth News & Info is her website and she is assisted by the fabulous Fred From France in all things geeky and technical. Hire us to make your website, too, if you like.

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